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How to Unbreak After a Breakup

Here I sit on my bed. My tears are dripping onto my half eaten a box of oreos. I really thought he was the one one. Even the oreos remind me of him, that time when we watched Star Trek and ate Oreos together, he smooshed one all over my face and then kissed me. I would give anything to go back to that time. But also, he was a fucker. He wasn’t there for me when I needed him. But that cock though… nobody could make me scream like he did. After four years he knew exactly what got me going. It’s going to take so long for me to teach someone else how to get me off. Should I call him? Or at least send him a final picture of my pussy so he can store it in his spank bank?

Does this scenario sound familiar to anyone? Breakups are one of the most common traumas that people go through. It often leaves you feeling depressed, alone, and like you will never care about anyone or anything again.

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How does one move on?

There has been very little scientific inquiry into breakups. One study looked at the effectiveness of three different coping methods that people who identified as “heartbroken” used to get over their breakup.

In method one researchers asked subjects to think negative thoughts about their ex. Subjects spent time consciously thinking about what frustrates them about their ex, so in my case it would be thinking about all the times my ex was not present, took me for granted and ate the last oreo.

The second cohort took a more positive approach, where participants were asked to read and think about motivational quotes like “it’s ok to still love someone but not be with them.” and “it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”

In the third method subjects distracted themselves from thinking about their ex. Every time their ex popped into their head they instead focused on something less emotional like the weather. There was a fourth control group, that just sat there.

Compared to the control group, it was found that all three strategies were effective in decreasing an emotional response when confronted with images of their ex (which is a solid test for those that still have their exes on social media) . Interestingly, the first strategy was most effective in having people report that they experienced less feelings of love towards their ex.

So what’s the lesson? According to this study, the best way to get over your ex is to remember all the shitty and annoying things about them! But distracting yourself with friends, activities and new lovers and saying positive mantras will also help.

These results are in line with another study (cited below), that actually found that individuals have some power over their ability to stop feeling love for someone, and that one effective strategy is to think negative thoughts about your ex.

How has technology changed the way we experience breakups?

Technology has made breakups more complicated, as we have access to seemingly endless reminders of our ex and it is way too easy to stay connected. We may have the good sense to know that calling our ex is probably not a great idea, but that doesn’t mean we have the good sense to not watch their instagram stories, check up on what events they are attending on facebook and read way too much into what songs they are listening to on Spotify. The way social media works, at any time or any place there may be a post that reminds you of your loss. Of course, this happens with physical things such as songs, smells, places, conversation topics.

So what do you do?

One empowering component of social media is that you have the control to shield yourself potentially painful images. If you see your ex in the park, you can’t raise your hands and say block, but you do have control over what you see in your online world.

At least in the 30 days following a breakup I suggest that people take a break from communicating with their ex via social media. Indeed, research shows that staying in communication with your ex via social media delays moving on and increases feelings of desire toward your ex. Scary Combo.

To protect yourself researchers also suggest you create a “pandora's box” of all technological evidence of your ex, from the pornos you made to the email exchanges that you had.You may regret deleting everything entirely, but constant reminders do not help heal a broken heart.

I know this is super cheesy, but time really does heal all wounds. If you think some negative thoughts about your ex, speak some mantras, distract yourself with fresh prospects and take a social media break, you’ll start to feel like yourself again soon enough!

written by Niki D, our heartbroken but not defeated sex expert

Sited: psycnet.apa.org/record/2017-37800-001